Conversations to have before your baby arrives!

In between getting your baby's nursery ready, purchasing all the items you feel you might need and all of the other to-dos that come with having a baby, one of the most important things that often gets pushed to the side is sitting down and talking with your partner about the life change that is about to unfold and prepping for the impact it’ll have on your relationship.

There’s so much focus in our culture on dreaming about pregnancy and dreaming about baby, but not any dreaming about what a family of three (or more) will be like.

Sleep deprivation is likely to leave you both too frustrated and exhausted to do more than the bare minimum… and this may lead to a lot of resentment.

This is hard for any relationship to deal with and add in dirty nappies and baby drool, you've set yourselves up for a bumpy ride!

So if you are looking to fight less, have more intimacy, and maintain your household a little better during the postnatal period make sure to discuss these topics with your partner before you give birth.

Go slow. One step at a time; one conversation at a time.

Sleep:

Sleep deprivation is a very real and debilitating issue that often blindsides new parents. Making sure each partner gets enough shut-eye is key in curbing short tempers, arguments, insensitive comments, depression, and so much more. Setting up this expectation is a great talk to have in advance so mum isn’t dragging herself and baby into bed one night and your partner is shocked that the baby is even in the same room for bedtime. Remember that some parents genuinely have a harder time sleeping if the baby is in the same room, so it may have nothing to do with separation, just sanity.

• Will you use a bassinet in your room, or put the baby straight into a cot?

• What about co-sleep in your bed?

• How can you each ensure that you’re both getting maximum time to recharge?

• Sleeping in?

• Feeding baby during the night: (would a tag-team approach be best or does one cover overnight but get to sleep late?)

• Will your baby sleep in your room or their own? If they will start with sleeping in your room, for how long?

How will you share baby duties?

You'll work out the details once baby arrives, but discussing beforehand how much each of you will be involved, can prevent burnout and disappointment in your partner's level of involvement. These issues may seem inconsequential now, but once you're in full-on parenting mode, knowing what to expect from each other can get you through the day.

• Who's gonna do what?

• Bathing/Showering:

• Washing laundry:

• Nappy Changes:

• Are either of you opposed or uncomfortable with any aspect of taking care of the new baby?

• If you're both at work, who's looking after your baby if they are unwell?

Division of household chores:

If you don’t discuss it beforehand, there’s often an inherent assumption of roles that couples slip into.

• Housework: (general tidying, dishes, vacuuming laundry etc)

• Outside Chores:

• Groceries:

• Will you get a cleaner or source outside help?

• Who's making the meals?

Talk about financial expectations, goals, and job situation:

Many comments I’ve heard in mum groups often stem from miscommunication of expectations. This can lead to problems if one spouse feels like they are forced into doing a job or staying home when they do not want to.

• Will one of you stay at home? If so, for how long?

• Is the primary caregiver expected to go back to work as soon as possible?

• Financial goals:

• Are one/both of you working from home? How are you going to manage dividing work time with family time if needed?

Me time:

Have a frank discussion about the interests and hobbies that are most important to you that you want to continue after the baby is born. Feeling “time-starved” as a new parent is completely common. How will you support each other so that this “me time” feels equitable?

Relatives:

One of the first touchy topics is whose family will visit first—and for how long—after baby arrives. Really try to preserve your arrival home and be together, and work at figuring it all out without the disruption of family. You dream so long about this baby coming into your life, and it’s nice to stay in that dream a little bit longer together.

• Do you need to set boundaries with any relatives? If so, come up with a game plan to handle this (codewords, limit time, visiting them so you can leave if needed etc, work well)

• Can/will relatives stay with you? If so, for how long?

• Can they just pop in unannounced or do they need to ask first?

• Parents and inlaws:

• Also, think about the holidays and your plan for splitting up time with family: (eg Christmas)

Intimacy and Sex Life:

Be aware that libidos can shift after childbirth, from sleep deprivation, and all the other parental obstacles you’re dealing with. Discuss other ways you can keep your intimacy strong, even if “sex” isn’t always an option.

• Discuss what intimacy looks like now, this may need to change during the first few weeks or months when mum is healing

• Communicating around sex and doing things other than penetration (like making out, mutual fondling, taking a shower together, massage, dinner together, cuddling can all be amazing)

• Contraception, when might you need this? Do you need to change what you used previously?

• How long is too long to go without sex?

Parenting Philosophy:

When you’re pregnant, you don’t really consider how much parenting philosophy/style will impact your first year. But oh, how much it does!

• Will you let your baby cry it out? If so, for how long?

• How are you going to feed your baby? What if this doesn't work?

• How long will you stay home with your baby?

• When will you take the baby out of the house for the first time?

• Will you feed on demand or by time?

• Do you want to parent the same or different from the way you were raised?

• What are things you liked from how your parents raised you (and want to repeat)?

• What are some things you absolutely do not want to repeat?

Baby Blues, Postnatal Depression, Mental Health and Wellbeing:

Knowing the warning signs of postpartum depression and other mood disorders is key for both parents. There’s a huge hormonal transition that is happening. In the weeks and years that follow birth,

It’s safe to assume you will be tired. You will be exhausted actually. If one parent is showing signs of depression, anxiety, or general distress, it needs to be noticed.

Both parents can feel overwhelmed, and it’s important to reach out if you need assistance, but sometimes, you can’t notice it yourself. If your spouse is showing signs, or asking for help, either help them, or find someone who can immediately. Remember grandparents, close friends, your coffee group and everyone else who offered to help out? Take them up on it, even if it’s just to sleep and shower.

Should the worst happen, who will be your child’s guardian?

Again, it may seem morbid, but it’s a good idea to have these conversations. For this one, you’ll want to get put in your will, trust, or other documentation.

• Family member?

• Friend?

• Who might care for your baby if you were both in an accident?

• Specify whom you don't want raising your child (if any).

Points to consider - Create a backup plan - Your decision is not set in stone - Select 3-4 guardians.

There are no easy answers. Choosing a guardian is hard. After all, this is a worst-case scenario. You will never find the perfect solution because the perfect guardian for your child is you. Make a decision and revisit it on a regular basis to make sure there are no better options.