Embracing the Chaos: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Early Parenthood.

It’s 3 am and you’ve already been up five times tonight. You feel like you're the only one in the whole world that is up at this hour (you're not)! Up to your elbows in dirty nappies and baby vomit. And as you sit in the dark you ask yourself - again - how a tiny person can make so much noise!

Sound familiar?

Being a parent is hugely rewarding, but it’s also hard work - especially at first. Dealing with changes in your everyday routine and sleepless nights as you learn to look after your baby can take lots of energy, emotional commitment and patience. There will be lots of times when you don’t quite know what to do, but try and remember that it’s the same for everyone – you’re learning on the job, like an apprentice.

Adjusting to parenting is a process of trial and error, good days and bad, and it’s common to take a while to feel comfortable and confident in your new role.

While there’s certainly a lot of joy involved in parenthood, it is not unusual to also feel overwhelmed with negative feelings: anxiety, confusion, frustration, and depression. While social media paints the parenting picture of having everything together, many research studies and an awful lot of parents, if you ask them to be real and honest will paint a different picture.

The physical exhaustion of parenthood is, of course, tightly coupled with mental exhaustion. In fact, it’s difficult to separate the two. The very act of taking care of a baby or child can be draining on many levels - emotionally, cognitively, and psychologically. It’s easy to beat oneself up for not feeling mentally present 100 percent of the time, but these are feelings that most parents grapple with at some time or another.

Try to be realistic about what you expect of parenthood. Remember, it can be messier, tiring and more stressful than any of your friends, relatives or celebrity parents are likely to admit!

Keep in mind that…

• Every parent will have good and bad days. There are lots of big changes to adjust to and many parents will feel they aren’t coping at times

• Parenting is a skill you learn. You will get more confident with your baby over time. Different phases are harder for different parents, but it’s common to find the first 6–8 weeks the hardest

• Feeding your baby is also something you’ll need to learn about and may be different from, and harder than what you expected

• Parenting can be very intense, and at times challenging and unrelenting. Make sure you take time out to have a break and do something fun or see a friend. This can be hard to do and you may need to get creative about how you make it happen.

• Try and develop a local network you can call on when you need to, especially if you’re a single parent

• Finding time for household chores or doing things you used to enjoy can be tough while you’re also caring for a newborn. Be prepared to let some things go for a while – things don’t have to be perfect.

It’s important to remember that some babies are easier to settle and comfort than others. At times, you may have negative feelings towards your child – this doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. But if these feelings are intense, keep coming back or continue, you should talk to a health professional.

Dealing with mixed emotions

For many people, becoming a parent means that their hopes and dreams have come true. They love holding, touching, watching and smelling their baby. A couple may also experience a deepening sense of love and connection between each other and their baby.

For others, emotions are mixed with feelings of frustration and regret at losing their old life – things like financial independence, career, spontaneity, and time with their partner and friends. Some people also feel trapped by the huge change that has completely taken over their life and sense of self. They might panic that their identity as an individual has been replaced by that of a ‘parent’.

Coupled with fears about whether you’re doing a good job or not, these doubts and negative thoughts can cause huge feelings of guilt for new parents.

It’s important to bear in mind that these experiences are normal and part of the adjustment process – not a sign that you don’t want or love your baby.

Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Try not to compare yourself with others. Instead, seek support from the people around you and if you need professional advice or support, contact your health professional as early as possible.

Above all, remember that looking after your new baby during the first year of life is a constant and demanding job. Lots of people need a bit of extra support at this time.

There’s no shame in asking for help, if and when you need it.