Teen Dad Life: Building Strength, One Day at a Time

Becoming a parent can be one of the biggest and most demanding changes a person can go through, and if you're a teen and you've recently learned that you are going to become a dad, this could be a confusing time for you.

It’s completely normal to have lots of different thoughts and feelings, and it may take a long time to get used to the idea of becoming a dad. Young dads are among the most socially excluded parenting groups throughout the world. They often miss out on the support networks that most parents take for granted and rely on. While most attention and efforts are focused on mums and babies, fathers are equally vital to developing healthy and self-sufficient young families!

When you find out you are going to be a dad, you might feel:

  • Shocked

  • Excited

  • Worried

  • Angry

  • Uncertain

  • Scared

  • Happy

  • Disappointed

  • Doubtful

  • Nervous

It’s important to reflect on your own on how involved you want to be. Research shows children who have their fathers involved in their life have better physical and mental health as well as other benefits. Your involvement can start in pregnancy. It is important to have an open and honest conversation with the pregnant individual and respect each other’s views.

How can you help during the pregnancy?

  • Communicate. Talk with your partner about their feelings and fears – they may be having some of the same thoughts as you. Give them a chance to let you know how they are feeling and spend time listening to what they have to say

  • Be sensitive and understand that they may be physically uncomfortable at times and may notice changes in their mood

  • Make it clear that you are in this together. Let them know that you want to be as included in the pregnancy. This may include going to medical appointments, having a conversation with their parents, and preparing for the baby together

  • Attend antenatal classes together

  • Do some reading about parenting to help you prepare

  • Plan ahead. Think about the financial needs of raising a child and start saving money (if you can)

The younger you are, the more everyone will feel compelled to tell you how to hold your baby, or what to feed them or how to dress them. This advice is often peppered with false compliments like "What a good dad you are," or "You did a great job dressing her," only to be immediately undone with "...for a dad."

Some other issues faced by young dads:

  • Judgemental attitudes: lots of young dads say they feel ignored, dismissed or thought of as too young or not responsible enough to look after their child

  • Some young dads lack a supportive network, whether that’s family, friends or access to services

  • Unstable housing and homelessness

  • Some young fathers have difficulty gaining access to their children due to conflict with ex-partners

How you can help your partner:

Find whatever way you can to let your partner sleep. You may be tempted to think, "Oh, I've got work in the morning." But keep in mind she has work in the morning, too... and at night, and every other time. If your baby is on formula, this is makes things a bit easier as you can help — ask if you can do the night feedings. If she's breastfeeding, this can be harder, however, if she can pump a small supply ahead of time, you can warm it up and do the feedings too.

Sometimes you can't let her sleep. She has to get up, feed the baby, and take care of a multitude of things, expected and unexpected, that crop up during the night when you have a little one. This is not your free pass to continue snoring while she handles everything. When she gets up, get up with her. See if you can bring her anything, or just be there with her and provide support. Having a baby is incredibly draining, physically and emotionally. It can mean the world just to be there with your partner, even if they don't need you to do something specific.

The market for baby products is massive and when you first start it seems like you need everything. You don't. You really don't!

And you can make yourself crazy trying to use something complicated when a simple solution (or no solution) is actually easier. Baby monitors, carriers and prams all have complicated and expensive versions. Find what works for you, but don't fall for every gimmick that promises to make your life easier.

You may feel the need to stay inside with your new baby. They are so small, and the thought of going out into the world with them can be terrifying. However, your baby is tougher than you think. Dress her warmly, pop on a hat, grab your favourite carrier and go outside! When you go outside you'll instantly go from feeling cooped up and crazy to refreshed, and it will make it way easier to face the rest of your day.

It can be scary to hold your new baby in your arms. If you haven't had a lot of experience with babies it can be absolutely terrifying. However, your baby is sturdy. The chances of you hurting them by holding them are very slim. However, the chance of hurting your relationship with your baby if you don't hold them is 100%.

This is one of the most important times to bond with your child. Hold them, and hold them close. Wear them in a sling, or do skin-to-skin and let them lie on your chest. You'll gain confidence more quickly than you think, and you'll lay down the foundation for a bond that will last a lifetime.

Babies love singing. A calming lullaby works wonders, and babies love to interact with "Patty Cake" or other hand-clapping songs and rhymes. However, if you stick just to children's songs you will soon be losing your mind. Instead, try playing your own music, the music you actually like, for the baby. Pick up your guitar and sing, or tell Alexa to play Green Day. Your baby will love it, and you will keep your sanity. After some time with your own music, you'll be mentally prepared for another 40 rounds of Patty Cake!!

Trust yourself. Within just a few short months of parenting, you will actually know a lot about your baby. You'll know what they like and don't like, how you and your partner like to dress them, and you'll be intimately familiar with their entire daily routine. This won't stop random people from saying "Is your baby comfortable in that sling?" But don't let them get to you. Trust yourself and the fact that you do indeed know your own baby.

Shared advice for young dads - from another young dad:

Owen:

  • Go along (where possible and appropriate) with your partner to all hospital appointments and scans and make friends with the midwife as she’ll be important before, during and after the birth. This should help dads feel connected to their baby and may offer signposting to relevant local services

  • Support your partner as much as you can (before, during and after the birth)

  • Prepare yourself as much as you can in terms of practical skills (such as feeding, bathing and changing nappies)

  • Spend as much time as you can with your baby so that you can bond with them as early as possible

  • Make sure your name is on the birth certificate and that you automatically get parental rights (so you can make important decisions about your baby)

  • Remember how important you are to your child’s growth and development

  • Decide what kind of father you want to be, and be involved as much as you can be

  • Talk with your partner/baby’s mother before the baby arrives about both your hopes for parenthood. Be prepared to compromise

  • Enjoy being a father!

Six tips for Dads

  • Never give up on yourself: you have to be in peak condition to be a good Dad, so taking care of yourself is a major priority.

  • Never be ashamed to ask for help: being a parent is tough, and men don’t have the networks that women do for support. Seek out networks of support, or start your own. Reach out for help, and receive it when it comes your way.

  • You’re responsible for these kids: own it. Take that responsibility by the horns and run with it. If you’re scared just remember, people have been doing this parenting thing for hundreds of years. The only way to fail at it is not to try.

  • Educate yourself: read all of the books (from the library if need be) whether they’re for dads, for mums, for parents, or for teachers. Get your hands on any information out there, including the internet and your peers. Never stop learning.

  • When it comes to navigating a relationship with the mother/your ex/the grandparents, keep remembering that the kids are the most important part of all of this. Sometimes you need to take the high road, bite your tongue, and get on with things. As Win shares, “Breakups are hard and messy but try to be an adult and mature about the whole situation. As a father you have to respect how difficult it is being a mother and that they are the mother to your children, so treat them with respect and love. I know it’s easier said than done but try.”

  • The best thing a Dad can do is show up. Put in an effort to be there, whether that’s a regular phone call, going to sports events or showing up to school assembly once a term. Prioritise being available and being present.

Medical disclaimer: This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians, osteopath, midwife, obstetrician, chiropractor or other qualified health care provider.

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But, what kind of father do you want to be?